Who are you, what is your core-being really all about? What is the theme of your life, your entire life?  Can a person have such a thing?  Aren’t we a whole lot more complicated than just one theme, one defined core idea?  But if you did have a core theme, how would you go about finding it?

When we engage in social conversation, we often ask questions such as:  “Where did you come from? Are you retired?  What is or was your work or profession? Where do you live?”

All these questions are indirect ways of asking: “Who are you?”   And in response you most likely answer by sighting a role, perhaps from your work, or you might choose to answer with your role in a family. I am a husband, wife, father, mother, a grandparent, etc. You might define yourself by your passion.  I am a musician, an artist, a writer.

But do these roles say who you are at your core, for in fact, all roles are transient, all can be relinquished and still you have YOU.  So there you are, standing metaphorically naked one day, wondering, “What am I doing here, what has my life been all about? Why have I traveled the path that I have so far?  Could I change it?”

I recently read the popular book, Eat, Pray and Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.  Elizabeth is sitting in a sidewalk café in the heart of Rome, Italy, people-watching when up the sidewalk struts a woman wearing very high-heel shoes, a tight, straight skirt slit up to the top of her thigh, a blouse a size smaller than she really required,  jewelry dangling in excess, large Sophia Loren glasses and most of all, Attitude!

Elizabeth exclaimed, “Now, that is a Roman woman!  I’d know her anywhere! She is sex personified. Her male Italian companion chuckled and then told her that every city has its WORD, a word that describes its essence, a word that describes its life on the street and that Rome’s Word was SEX.  Of course, Elizabeth questioned that by sighting the Vatican.  But her companion countered saying that the Vatican was not Rome, it was a city unto itself and its word was POWER, no, not FAITH, POWER!

The two companions speculated over the Words of other large cities before turning to themselves.  Elizabeth tried to find her word, the one word that would encompass her essence, but she could not.  The best she could do was to describe roles at various times of her life.  So how would you find that one word that sums you up?

One way is by using spontaneous, free association.  There is a lot of research that shows that our first impressions, our first knowing, our first words spoken in the blink of an eye, are as true as anything one comes up with after due consideration.  In fact, the book BLINK, The Power of Thinking without Thinking by sociologist, Malcolm Gladwell is all about that.

Here is my way of finding your Word, your Core essence which, I think you will find is fundamentally the one thing that has characterized you all your life, no matter the roles you have played or the experiences you have had, even those that you feel have changed your life profoundly.  Here is the question (actually two questions)……they are flip sides to the same coin so you may answer whichever one is easiest for you.

 Take a pencil and write the first thing that comes to mind when I ask you this next question.

 For you, what is the worst quality (not an act or specific deed) a person can have? What single trait can a human possess that is to you the worse possible thing a person can be:  dishonest, selfish, cold, unforgiving, thoughtless, disloyal, uninformed, a braggart, a bully, undependable, irresponsible, arrogant…..go for the one that is the worst, worst, worst to your way of thinking.

I ask the negative first because we are usually better at saying what we don’t like, what we don’t believe, what we can’t stand, than we are at the positives.  I like so and so, but I just can’t abide…..  I don’t know what I want for my birthday; just don’t give me another pair of socks.  My ideal partner can be anything but……

However, if this feels too hard to answer, ask yourself, “What is the best quality a person can have, what quality do you admire most in another? “ There maybe many, but just choose the very best of all of those…honesty, generosity, warmth, thoughtful loyal, modest, dependable, responsible, humble.

Okay, have you got at least one positive and one negative trait?  Logically, they should be polar opposites but if they are not at this point, that is fine.

Now here is the really interesting part. That which you find most objectionable in others is in fact, what you have tried all your life to avoid, the “sin” you have tried not to commit. And that which you admire most in others you have spent all your life trying to achieve, something you would call a “virtue.”

With these two words, you have YOUR life’s theme, what I call your greatest sin and your greatest virtue.  Your greatest virtue is your Word.  For example, let’s say you have written down that the quality you admire most is dependability. Now, look back on your life, through all your roles, in every aspect of your life.  Have you not been and are you not now one of the most dependable people you know?  Are you not the person everyone turns to when a job really needs to get done because they know if they ask you, it will be.

Here is the next really interesting thing you can’t help but notice. That is, that your greatest virtue can also be thought of as your greatest asset, which, when carried to extremes, becomes your greatest liability….and has been all your life.  If you are Mr. or Ms. Dependable, then at some point, you will be so burdened with taking care of business for yourself, your family and your community, that you will become exhausted and will eventually “drop the ball” and let others down.   Too much of a good thing eventually becomes a bad thing.

The trick here is not to be one or the other but to find the balance point between the two extremes.  It is a life-long job and maybe all we ever really do all of our lives, no matter the specific form or role it takes.

This awareness of your Word, of your Core theme not only shows you where you are at this moment in your life but where you have been in the past and why, and also allows you to change your life in the present and therefore in the future.   Finding your balance point however, is very hard to do and there is actually a technique that helps you stop the pendulum swing but that is a topic for another day.

Now, don’t be misled by the apparent simplicity of this technique of finding your “greatest sin” and “greatest virtue,” of finding your Core, your Word.  That you find your answer quickly does not mean it is not a profound discovery.  What you found, in the blink of an eye, might be news to you and it might not, but at least now it is more conscious…and that is the secret to change.

You know this business of self-awareness is not a walk in the park.  It is hard work which is why most people do not do it. But if you want something to change in your life, the only way to do that is to change yourself.  Conscious awareness of yourself is the only way you can make informed choices that can change how you go through your life, and that is what changes others toward you.  To do this you must sit still in quietness, think and ask the hard questions.  Good Luck.

If what quantum physicists say is true, that everything in the Universe is connected…animate and inanimate…then how can you experience that in everyday life, outside the physicist laboratory?  How can you know yourself that this is true? The answer is by paying attention to everything in your life, by keeping your ears, eyes and mind open to the “messages” in all those everyday experiences that we commonly ignore, take for granted and never consider as having anything to do with each other.

This cannot be described abstractly; only concrete examples can show you the entanglement of the Universe and then you must come to know it through your own experience…for in the end, we only know and believe what we experience ourselves.

In my last blog, I wrote about my Protestant Work Ethic run-a-muck and how out of balance my life has been between too much work and too little play.  In fact, I rarely played at all. Work and productivity was its own reward.  In the wake of that article, I tossed out my To Do lists and then, a few days later, dug them out of the trash, like a smoker rummaging for those cigarettes thrown out in an effort to quit her habit.  I recovered them, held each to my chest for comfort and then in an act of will and discipline, tore them up and put them out in the trash at the curb (my version of flushing the smokes down the toilet).

Insight is not enough you know, you must also act on your insights. Throwing out my To-Do lists and not starting new ones was step #1.  Then I took concrete steps to bring “play” into my life. If it was the right thing to do, the Universe would send me Messages to confirm my insight and my actions.  If I was on the wrong course those Messages would be about work and all attempts at play would be thwarted.

First, I planned a weekend to Charleston, SC, just a four hour drive away.  I asked a friend, who knew the city well to go with me and despite a husband and new puppy to take into account, she was able to make arrangements to go with me.  Here was Confirmation #1 from the Universe.  It said “Yes,” you should do this.  You think this is just a coincidence, but when we are stopped from doing something, isn’t it common to hear, “Guess I wasn’t meant to do that or I guess the time as not quite right?”  That is exactly what my sister said when her Caribbean cruise over Christmas was thwarted by a snow storm and two months later, a weekend to NYC was also stopped by a snow storm.  “Guess I’m supposed to stay home for now,” was what she said, and it is just as true when the Messages come in the affirmative.

Then I went to do my taxes and quite unexpectedly discovered I would get a refund that would actually pay for the trip.  I had found just enough money for the bare necessities, but now it would be much easier.  Confirmation #2 from the Universe.

Then, on my way home from my tax preparer’s office, I stopped at my neighborhood pharmacy to fill a prescription and while chatting with my pharmacist, I told him of my impending trip to Charleston.  He gave me a voucher for a free weekend at a condo on Folly Beach in Charleston Harbor that he had won and was not going to use. Confirmation #3! However, since the voucher was almost a year old, it was not clear if it had expired.  It took 10 days before we received news that it was still good and that the condo was available on the weekend we wanted it for.  Confirmation #4!

Next I decided to attend the annual district meeting of my UU church which would be held on a barrier island off Beaufort, SC, a picture postcard town.  Since the meeting would be only for a weekend, I decided to go down five days early to explore that pretty town and gorgeous beaches.

I asked former Beaufort residents now living in my town for the best places to stay.  I was directed to the VRBO website (vacation rental by owners) and presto, found a restored 1820 cottage in the backyard of a home owned by a renowned antiques dealer (perfect for one or two people and I love antiques).  It was rented only by the week (perfect) and it was available for the week I wanted (perfect) and because I called the owner, I got the cottage ahead of four other requests for it for that same week but reserved only via email.  Hah!  Confirmation #5!  This was fun.

But you are still skeptical.  Sometimes things just go your way, don’t they?  They are meant to happen, you say.  You believe in coincidences and good luck.  There are no such things of course, but okay, I’ll play along.

Was I getting any Messages about “play” in my life that were not specific to these trips but just about play in general. Really listening and observing your world is what it means to “raise your awareness,” and your Messages can come from the oddest sources.

As I write I have just attended a memorial service for a 94 year old woman.  Her children chose to remember their beloved mother for her great skill at…guess what…play!  She was an exceptional sportswoman, loved horseback riding, swimming, golf and tennis and excelled in many of these throughout her life and well into her seniority, winning numerous trophies and awards.  Her service to her fellow man as a literacy volunteer and as a founder of her UU Fellowship on Hilton Head Island were mentioned to be sure, but it was her capacity at play that was talked about the most by her children and her friends at the retirement center where she ended her days.  It appears she was also exceptionally good at duplicate bridge.  Until this day, all the obituaries I have read and funerals I have attended exclusively noted the deceased’s service to community and family.  I confess I have never been to a funeral or memorial service that celebrated the deceased’s wonderful capacity for play and her joie de vivre.  It knocked my socks off and it was most definitely so unusual that I could not miss it as a Message, to me at least, about PLAY!

So you see, the Universe does “talk” to you if you will only pay attention and everything is connected.  It is all right in front of you, if you will only open your mind to it.  Now, I do not want you to take my word for it.  Take an issue or problem you are wrestling with.  Find its theme: work vs. play, to stay or leave a relationship, to move or not move from your home…job…what ever you are dealing with. Then, just relax and pay attention to what the Universe is telling you through common, seemingly innocuous avenues, for example—a TV program, title or story line, that you just happen to turn on; the lyrics of a song playing on your car radio that for some reason you suddenly pay attention to; a chance conversation with a total stranger in the grocery store check out line or even an overheard conversation between others, your car malfunctions, your body’s maladies.  Look past the details and look for the theme and you will see that it relates to you and your issue’s theme.  You will be amazed at just how much help there is for you coming from our amazing entangled, super-connected Universe.  Be open. Be adventurous. Be curious. Be brave. Try it.

What is the Protestant Work Ethic, or is it the Puritan Work Ethic (PWE)?  To put it succinctly, for me, the PWE means you have no worth (in society, your family and to yourself) unless you are productive each and every day and you get all your work done before you take time to play.  The trouble is there never is any time to play because there is always more work to do.

Right here, right now I am declaring a war on the PWE and the idea that a To Do List completely checked off at the end of the day is a valid reason to feel virtuous and satisfied with myself.

Raised in the country, every day chores came first, then school, then homework, and then play which was a book to read or an hour of TV before bed time.  Ah, but there were the weekends you say. My childhood home had three acres of lawn and trees, plus a barn with horses and chickens all of which needed to be to be cleaned up in one way or another, so Saturday mornings were spent working.

My father euphemistically called Saturday morning chores, the “Saturday Olympics,” and the competition was who of the four kids could complete their jobs first.  By the age of 10, I was seriously afflicted with my father’s PWE modis operandi. Until the chores were done, there was no play even on weekends.

Now in my 60’s, after a life time of work and almost no play,  I retired and had to confront what was I to do to keep this PWE and the self-esteem it accorded me in working order?  I am an artist and writer, but I cannot “create” 8 hours a day, so what was I to do with the “free” time that I now had. For true PWE types, there is no such thing as free time.  If you are not being “productive” you are wasting time, valuable time, that could be spent doing something worth while for yourself, and for others. My solution: 9 months after I retired, I moved alone, across the country to a community where I knew no one, forcing me to “get to work” making friends and getting involved.

Now, after four years of non-stop volunteering for my church, a Unitarian-Universalist Fellowship, which runs on the sweat of volunteers committed to good works, and for my community, namely the downtown revitalization effort, I am exhausted, nor have I learned to play which retirement is supposed to be about.

Too much of a good thing, eventually becomes a bad thing and that is where I am standing at the moment.  Belief in the virtue of the Protestant Work Ethic has left me burned out, exhausted and suffering from a sore left shoulder.  In fact it is my shoulder that I have to thank for this little essay, for when my body screams at me, I know it is just a physical manifestation of a non-physical issue that I need to give some serious thought to.  Having spent a life time with my “shoulder to the wheel,” it is time to stop, think and think out loud on paper (electronic paper that is) and figure this out. (Yes, I am a firm believer in the body-mind connection, a subject for future essays, I promise.)

The real culprit is, of course, my deeply engrained belief, that “work” is good and play is…well if not exactly bad, certainly frivolous and wasteful. Yes, of course I know all the research about the importance of play in “refueling” one’s energy tanks in order to return to the work of one’s life, but I never really bought in to any of that.  How could I? The PWE owned me, inside and out, consciously and more importantly, unconsciously.

I believe it is one’s beliefs, those deep, mostly unconscious ones, that create our realities which is why chanting affirmations of what one wishes to have, as touted in the bestseller, “The Secret,” does not work if those affirmations run counter to one’s core beliefs.  My core belief in the virtue of work is not unconscious, but the depth, breath, and scope of this belief was, until I began to really look, write and question it.

“Why is work such a good thing?  Who told you that? Who sold you that bill of goods?”

The answer was of course my self-evident truth…BECAUSE IT IS. Everyone knows work is good, that you need to work to get ahead, to earn your rightful and esteemed place in society.  No one likes a slacker or those free-loaders living off the sweat of others. Where would we be if our early pioneers and founding fathers hadn’t worked hard?

Of course, I learned my PWE at the elbow of my parents, namely my father, who was among other things, a Boy Scout leader and tireless community volunteer.  No surprise then that I became a social worker.

But, too much of a good thing eventually becomes a bad thing. So how do I undo such a belief or at least modify it to allow fun and play to creep in?

The first thing I had to ask myself was, “What is the opposite of being an industrious, efficient worker,” because while that was my goal all these years, I must also have been trying to avoid being the opposite…a lazy, free-loading slacker.  I hate lazy, free-loading slackers.  I hate people who don’t carry their own weight.  I hate doing other people’s work for them.

The next question to—this is not for the cowardly—what is so bad about being a lazy, free-loading slacker? To those afflicted with the PWE that is like asking, what is wrong with cannibalism?

What is wrong with laziness, and being a free-loader?  Are you kidding?  What isn’t wrong with it?  Bluster, stutter, stammer, choke! Next question?

Again, what is so terrible about being a lazy, free-loading slacker?  Peel the onion. Keep asking the impossible questions.  Keep challenging those self-evident beliefs.

You (I) could also ask such things as, who was a lazy, free-loading slacker in your life, in your childhood?  Whose work did you do for them when it was all wrong for that to be so?  Were you put in a grown-up role when you were still a child?  Who have you spent a life-time trying to avoid being like?

Now, here is the rub.  That which we hate most in others is what we also hate in ourselves.  It is just the flip side to the same coin our greatest virtue lives on.  The problem is we hate to admit that flip side even exists, but it does.  So if you have enough personal courage to face your dark side—those characteristics you hate the most in others—then you should accept that side of yourself, forgive yourself, and then, forgive those you have been trying not to be like all your life.  Ouch!  Forgive the lazy, no good, free-loading slackers? This is hard.

Now, go one step further.  Consider if you wouldn’t secretly like to be one of those lazy, free loading, slackers? Ouch! This is HARD.

Wait…give me a moment…would I like to sometimes be lazy, to slack off, and to let others do my work? Oh, Universe, forgive me but…err, ah, geez, damn, I…I…I would.  Lord have mercy but it hurts me to admit this.

Now we’re getting somewhere.

Look again. What is so good about being a hard worker?  Approval from others?  Really?  Well, maybe, even probably, but is it worth it?  Is it really worth it?  You might have needed those “at-a-girls” and “at-a-boys,” when you were little but do you need them now?  Truly?  Wouldn’t you rather be having some fun?  Wouldn’t you rather be a little bit lazy?  Wouldn’t you rather slack off a little? Ah, come on, admit it.  Isn’t even just the idea starting to feel a teensy bit good?

Now, here is the real trick.  If you are going to change your M.O., you have to do it in small, sometimes tiny steps.  Big steps, fast steps, like the proverbial “hare,” result in pendulum swings which just bring you right back to where you started.  When it comes to changing yourself, the tortoise wins the day.

What’s wrong with the Protestant Work Ethic?  Nothing, unless it is all you know.

Are you a work-a-holic?  Let me hear from you.

How come just saying “No” never really works?

 I’ll tell you why.  Because for most of us, saying “No” is the hardest thing we have to do in our daily lives. Most women but many men too  just avoid it by running themselves ragged, even to the point of illness, doing for others rather than saying, “No” to them.

You see, it is okay to say “No, I don’t know how to do that,” or “No, my husband  or wife would never stand for that,” or “No, I’m sorry, but my kids have soccer practice,” or “No, I have to go visit my mother that weekend.” You have a legitimate reason to say “No.”

I know people ( and have even done this myself) who have lied to say “No” because they could only utter that tiny, onerous word if they had a “good reason.”  But to say “No, I don’t want to,” or just plain “No,”…. well, that is a level of difficulty that is right up there with landing a jetliner full of passengers after the pilots have both had heart attacks!  Talk about hard!  Talk about impossible! Talk about committing one of the greatest “sins” a person but especially a woman can commit!!!!  What is that you ask????

Being selfish!  Putting oneself first!

Saying those dreaded words, “No, I don’t want to.”  Good heavens, can you be any more selfish than that?  A ‘good’ woman, wife, mother, professional, friend… isn’t supposed to say “No” to others who need her.  Isn’t being needed one of life’s  blessings?  Can you ever get enough of a good thing?  Ah, ….well…..yes….., actually you can!  And being needed is one of those.  Another one of those blessing/curses is being competent. “But,” you ask, “Don’t we all want that?”

“But, you are so good at this…organizing events…..we talked it over and everyone agreed you’d be the very best person to head up this project.”  Oh sweet flattery, thy nectar is as sticky as super clue and just as dangerous.

When you are competent, and most the women I know really are, then you really can keep 10 balls up in the air at the same time, so what is one more and one more and one more.

Just Because You Can…Doesn’t Mean You Should!

But they need me. I really am the best person for this job. I could manage to do it if I got up an hour earlier each morning, or gave up my weekly hour in the gym, or quit my once a month, 15-minute meditation. See? I take time for ME.  I really do, but, but, but…… they need me. I can do this job so easily.  It won’t take me as long as it would take someone else.  It’s for my kids….my church….my husband…..my friend……my community…..my country… for mankind! Is there anyone else you think you might want to include in your rationalization for taking on more and more and MORE. Ever heard of the straw that breaks the camel’s back?  Oh, you’ve been there you say.  And you swore you would never get that over extended again? A huh!  Then what is this?????  Exhausted again?  Sick again?  But I thought you swore????? Oh, this time it was different, you say.  I’ve heard that before. Yes, but, but, but…..So why can’t you say “No” or even if you do manage a “No” here and there, why can’t you make it stick or do it consistently?  Because you hold a deep down, core belief or definition about what a good woman (mother, wife, friend, citizen) is, and that is going to prevail despite all your efforts to the contrary.  Just saying “No,” will not, can not work, if saying “Yes,” meets a much deeper need of yours…..living out your core beliefs about yourself.

Step 1:  Your Beliefs

So, the first step in learning how to say “No” to even the smallest of favors (and surprisingly those are the hardest ones because they cost you so little), is to stop and figure out just what you do believe about yourself and what a “good” woman (or man) is.  You’ll need a pad of paper with a line down the middle.

One column is titled good woman, and the other bad woman.  Now just go for it.  Brainstorm.

Write down all the adjectives and traits you believe a good woman has.  The second column would then necessarily be the opposite of those traits.

Step 2: Test Reality

Now take a look at those lists and ask yourself if you know and, God forbid, even like women who have some of those traits on the “bad” side of the page.  Really? You do?  Amazing! Why even you have been of that side of the page more than once and guess what?  The world did not end; your husband did not divorce you; your friends did not shun you; your kids did not leave home; nor were you fired from your job.

“Oh, but I felt so badly about it at the time.”  Yes, I know you did. That is why, like a rubber band, you snapped right back into your old ways of saving everyone the least little inconvenience or bother.  Never mind how inconvenienced or bothered you were. You don’t really count.  Only being that good woman …wife ….mother ….friend….colleague counts.

Step 3: Awareness

Okay, so now we know that saying “No,” isn’t the end of the world, or the end of your world.  So what do you do next?  The secret to adjusting your beliefs is to be aware of them on a daily, even hourly basis. Watch yourself.  Listen to yourself.  You have to become conscious of your beliefs and how you act them out in every moment of your life.  You will be astounded at what you will hear yourself say out loud and inwardly to yourself.  Just become aware of yourself.  Listen to yourself.  Really listen.

Step 3: Tiny Steps

The next thing is to take tiny corrective steps….and I mean tiny.  Most people once they get an insight go for the big stuff. “Henceforth, I am resigning my chairmanship of the Parent/Teachers Association, membership in the church choir and/or quitting my job.  NOT.  Don’t swing like a pendulum.  Go slowly.  Take tiny steps.  Say “No” to that piece of chocolate your mother is pushing on you.  “Come on dear, one little piece won’t hurt you.” (Actually, saying No to your mother is probably in the big step category, but you get the idea. Say “No” to something that is not terribly important.)

Say “No,” to a coffee date you would really rather miss.  Just say a simple “No, thank you.”  If you offer an excuse or justification, it just gives the other party something to argue with.  Then you have to up the ante by saying “No” to a coffee date you might like to attend but would rather have that hour to yourself.  Now this one will be hard but you have to jump off the cliff sometime and this is a little cliff.  Go for it.

And so it goes.  One little step at a time.

“Mommy, will you read me one more story?”

“No, dear.”

“Why not? Plllllleeeeaaaasssseeee?”

“No dear, I don’t want to.  Lights out.”

Calmly, cleanly and, what do you know….me now, my needs now….my turn…I get what I want even if you don’t. “Okay, g’ night Mommy….”

Oh my goodness.  It really worked.  I can really do this.  Today the kids, tomorrow the husband (boyfriend, lover) and next week, the boss!  Then your mother! Yahoooooo!

Do you have trouble setting limits?  Tell me more…

Letting go, Exquisite Agony ( short version)

In the mid 80′s, I had the good fortune to interview Mr. James Cox several months before he died.  His father had purchased some of the St. Augustine Ranch (on the western edge of White Sands Missile Range between Alamogordo and Las Cruces,) from a James MacAllister, so he was curious about me as well.  Mr. Cox was an avid historian too, so we were in “hog heaven” so to speak, talking for hours about the history of the Mesilla Valley (in Southern New Mexico).  One of the questions I asked Mr. Cox as I do of every elderly person I have the privilege to interview was, “If you had one piece of advice to give to young people today, what would it be?”

He answered me with a story.  When he was about 10 years old, the southern half of the New Mexico Territory was hit by a long drought.  The cattle were dying, so his father decided to move the herd to the Corralitos range west of the valley, hoping that the rains from the west had fallen there before being stopped by the Organ Mountains. Those grasslands were parched also and now the cattle were dying by the hour.

Finally, the decision to sell was made even though it meant starting all over again.  Young James never forgot that drought or its bitter lesson of letting go.  His advice to young people was, “Sell in times of drought.”  Translated beyond the realm of cattle ranching, his advice was to learn to cut your losses, learn to let go, learn to say goodbye.  If you hang on too long, you may lose everything.

How right he was.  How hard it is to let go of dreams, loves, even possessions.  Old habits and customs die hard even when they no longer serve or have become destructive.  Think of the marriages you know that persist, glued together by mutual contempt and hatred.  Think of the employees and employers who trudge to work each day barely able to tolerate each other or the job.

Why can’t they let go and move on?  Why do all of us have so much trouble letting go?  We have had plenty of practice and yet….?

The infant has to let go of the comfort of his mother’s lap for the realities of the high chair, walking and grown-up food.  The toddler has to let go of his babyhood for the realities of siblings and school.  The once ever-present blanket and thumb are replaced by a beloved doll that one day falls apart and cannot be mended.

A child’s pet dies and a piece of the child goes with it.  Many of us have forgotten those “letting goes,” until we are confronted by a child in the midst of his agony; then the old scars are painfully stretched.

In our mobile society, childhood homes and friends are lost repeatedly and when those tears are aborted prematurely, the grief work is never completed and a corner of our hearts is left behind, locked away from any new attachment possibilities.  Think of the profuse and public grieving we see almost daily on the TV from the latest Middle East calamity.  You’d never see

such an outpouring of tears and rage in this country.  Real men and Super women don’t cry.

Chin up, stiff upper lip and all that, ole chap.

Letting go must not be confused with quitting, however.  Being tough and having backbone was exactly what made it possible for the pioneering Cox family to establish their ranch and rebuild it after the drought.  But knowing when to bend, when to let go, was also what saved them.

Unbearable as it was to let the elements defeat them, they accepted their defeat, and from the ashes they were victorious.  By bending, they were not broken.  By letting go, they did not hang on until all was lost.  It was exquisite agony.  Doing the right thing often is.

And when you have made the decision, if you do not allow yourself to grieve fully and allow the tears, the rage, the disappointment and the fears to wash through you like one of those wild western summer thunderstorms, then you will never experience the sense of renewal  from an earth (and soul) freshly washed clean.

When we fail to let go, life becomes oppressive, like the dark clouds of humidity that suffocate the breezes, and adds lead weight to your step.  Unspent grief prolongs your pain and will soon “leak out” in the form of chronic illnesses, in accidents, in irritability, in depression, and in poor performances at home and on the job.  A stiff upper lip can break your back…literally and figuratively.  As the poet once wrote:

“I will not live in dread of the pain of farewells, but welcome it as the darkness before the dawn.” Windows to my Soul by the author

Excerpt: Thinking Out Loud, By Carol MacAllister

Have You Hugged Your Plants Today?

 “Short of Aphrodite, there is nothing lovelier on this planet than a flower, nor more essential than a plant.”  Thus begins Peter Tompkins and Christopher Bird’s remarkable book, The Secret Life of Plants.

Though it was published in 1972, I only recently discovered this book and was spellbound by it.  It is a historical review of centuries of scientific research on the physical, emotional and spiritual relations between plants and man.  The authors went to the Library of Congress and dusted off the secrets of plant research long buried on the archive shelves, some for centuries, by the authorities of the day.   

These authors began their book with the research that originally stirred their own curiosity; something called the “Backster Response.”  In 1966 Cleve Backster, America’s foremost lie detector expert, hooked up the electrodes of one of his lie detectors to his dracaena.  That simple act of curiosity radically affected his life, and may have equally affected the planet.  Backster’s discovery, that plants appear to have feelings and even to read the human mind, caused strong and varied reactions around the world, in spite of the fact that Backster only claimed to have uncovered what had been known and forgotten. 

From the beginnings of recorded time, man has been fascinated by, and in commune with, plants.  Early research was as primitive as the tools available at the time, and many conclusions were drawn only from patient, meticulous observations.

But in the 1700s and 1800s, when more objective scientific measuring devices were invented, the research with plants moved out of the realms of conjecture, faith, and mysticism and into the world of hard, scientifically verifiable evidence.  Despite these carefully executed experiments and the extensive, independent replication of the discoveries to further objectify the data, the discoveries that plants feel, move, react, and even speak, were quickly buried in archival vaults lest the accepted theories of the day be overturned and with them the power of men who pretended to honor intellectual curiosity.

As I read this book, I was gratified to know that all these years of greeting my plants had not been in vain, nor did it mean I was a little cracked.  My instinct to communicate with other living organisms was now scientifically proven to be a major factor in my “green thumb.” 

Now, mind you, I am one of those people who do more than just say “Hello” to her plants.  I greet them by name and tell them how gorgeous they are.  I have “relationships” with my plants and guess what?  Centuries of august scientists say that is exactly what is needed if your plants are to flourish.  All the expertise, watering and fertilizing will not cut it, if you don’t really love your plants. 

Furthermore, this emotional plant “food” can be enhanced by music, the romantic or classical kind, not acid rock.  Honest!  Does it sound familiar?  I seem to flourish under the same “feeding” routine.  Don’t all living things? 

How come such an obvious truth is so threatening that even hard-core research proving this truth must be hidden in the back wards of university archives?

Now, here is the really fun part.  This insert following is from Lynne McTaggart’s most recent book: The Intention Experiment, a book I heartily recommend to all of you with metaphysical and quantum physics interests.  It seems ole Clive was right all along!

“Chapter, The Two-Way Street:

• Cleve Backster first proposed that plants are affected by human intention.  Also evidence of a constant two-way flow of information between all living things.  Every organism, from bacteria to human being, appears to be in perpetual quantum communication.  This relentless conversation offers a ready mechanism by which thoughts can have a physical effect.
• Backster’s real contribution was his discovery of the telepathic communication carrying on between every living thing and its environment.  Somehow, a constant stream of messages was being sent out, received, and replied to.
• Korotkov and Kirlian: capturing someone’s life energy on film.  Korotkov verified Backster’s discoveries with state of the art equipment.  He was the first to discover that living things engage in a constant two-way flow of information with their environment, enabling them to register even the nuances of human thought.”

I guess we’re more afraid to appear foolish than we are willing to stand in the light of knowledge that doesn’t fit existing molds.  I have a big fig tree that is being cared for by a friend.  He does not talk to plants, nor could I persuade him to start.  To get my tree the attention it needed, I found a solution and left this homespun jingle as an explanation for my friend:

“Roses are red, violets are blue.

My fig tree is lonely; oh, what shall I do?

I give it lots of love, in word and thought,

But I cannot come over, as often as I ought.

Then I spy an old radio, wanting to be heard.

So I bring it to my fig tree, to sing like a bird.

Now, if you think I am crazy, you are probably right.

But, what does it matter, If my tree grows tall and bright!”

Have you hugged your plants today?

An excerpt from: Thinking Out Loud by Carol MacAllister

Are you a plants hugger?  Do you talk to your plants and get laughed at?  I was too.  Talk to me.

How many of you feel liked by someone, appreciated by someone, loved by someone?   Now how do you know that? How do you know you are cared for or about?  How do you know you are appreciated? How do you know you are loved—by friends, fellow group members, your siblings, your partners, your children? What exactly is it that makes you feel loved or cared for or appreciation?

And…how do you let others know that you care for or love them?

This is the sort of thing we all take for granted and yet if you take the time to really think about it, it becomes quite an interesting inquiry and not at all as simple you would think.  So let’s take these questions apart and see what we find.  If you were to ask me what I like to do most, what is play for me; it is this….thinking about the obvious and discovering the extraordinary within it.

Metaphors are helpful in seeing how it is you fundamentally receive and give love or care or affection…however you want to call it. I am going to use the term “love” in the broadest sense here because it is too awkward to keeping running off: cared for, appreciated, valued, etc.

Think of yourself as an old time radio, you remember (or some of you do) those old mahogany boxes with a big center dial.  In the early days of radio there were just a few stations or channels you could get and usually one was really clear and the others kind of scratchy.  Well, humans are like those radios, but with just three stations/channels.  In order to be “tuned in” the best, or on the same “wave-length,” you will prefer one channel over the other two, though you may like all three from time to time.  Still there will be a “favorite” one.  For the sake of word economy I am going to call these three primary stations or channels, Love-Channels or Love-Languages, and they are: auditory, visual and kinesthetic or tactile.

What this means is that each of us has a preferred way of giving and receiving or knowing we are loved or cared for.  If your Love Channel or Love Language is primarily auditory then you like to hear words of love and appreciation.  And when that channel is not played enough by your partner or close friends, it is not unusual to complain, “You don’t tell me you love me enough,” or you ask your partner, “Do you love me?” hoping to hear those words in response…Yes, I love you.  However, if your partner has a different Love-Channel than you, you just might get in response, “Why do I have to tell you, isn’t it enough I provide you with this house and everything else I buy you or put up with your insufferable free-loading brother or attend those chick-flicks you like and I loath?   Your partner’s Love-Channel is obviously visual. He or she shows you their love by providing things or through deeds, like helping around the house, fixing things, doing yard work.

What if your partner’s primary Love-Channel is kinesthetic, tactile, physical?  What if your partner shows his or her love with loving touch?  Many men are tuned into the tactile Love-Channel because in western society boys are trained to be physical first and verbal second, especially when it comes to expressing their deepest feelings.  They will reach out to touch their partner, a stroke here, a pat there, and frequent hugs, before they will express verbally feelings of love. If his partner is not tuned into that tactile channel, what do you think the response is to all that touching?  With rolled eyes and a sigh, the inner thought goes something like this….he or she always wants sex!   Now it may not really be the case, it is just that touch is his (or her) primary Love-Channel and it need not always lead to more. These are the cuddlers; the ones who hold hands while walking down the street together.  The next time you are walking on Main St. or through the mall, pay attention to the couples in front of you and their physical proximity.

So here we have it: tell me you love me, tell me you appreciate me; show me you love me with thoughtful gifts, security, or deeds; or reach out and touch me, let your hands doing the talking.

We all like all of these from time to time so how do you find which is your dominate Love-Channel? Here is the first of three ways you can find yours.

Imagine yourself in a relationship where your rarely or almost never hear words of appreciation and love? Imagine yourself in a relationship where you are rarely or almost never are given a gift or offered help around the house…with the groceries…with the care of the car…in the kitchen, etc. Imagine yourself in a relationship where you are rarely touched in a soft, loving way; where you are rarely stroked, rarely have your hand held or feel an arm around your shoulders.

If one of these is simply unimaginable to you, then you have your primary Love-Channel.  However if you can’t get an answer this way, here is a second way you can discover your primary Love-Channel and that of your partner.

What is the one complaint you make the most to your partner or to friends (I never get….) and what is the one complaint you hear the most from your partner? (You never give me….). “Why don’t you ever….just talk to me, help me in the kitchen, pick up after yourself; wash the car; tell me you love me; hug me just for the hell of it and not just when you want sex, give me flowers, take me out to dinner.  What is the complaint you speak the most. Is it auditory, visual or tactile?

And, what is the complaint you hear the most from your partner or best friend?  Is it auditory, visual or tactile? “You don’t tell me you love me enough, or you don’t talk to me (auditory).  You don’t take me out; you never help me around the house (visual). You don’t give me enough physical contact, enough cuddling, hand holding, or sex (tactile).” When you hear these complaints from your partner or closest friend, you then know you are not tuned in to their primary Love-Channel and they are telling you what their Love-Channel is, but you have to listen beyond the words.

Which leads me to a third way you can discover yours and your partner’s primary Love-Channel.  We always give what we want to receive.  Haven’t you noticed that with gift-giving?  You buy what you think is just a fabulous gift for a friend and then you are crushed when it isn’t received with the same level of enthusiasm. You have given what you would like to receive, but it may not be anything even close to the receiver’s taste or desires.

So, if we always give what we want to receive, what is it you are always giving to your partner and what is it that you are always getting from your partner?  If your partner’s Love-Channel is tactile, then when he reaches out to stroke you, instead of recoiling, (muttering to yourself, “Oh God, here we go again.” ), why not see it as your cue to tune into his Love-Channel and his desire to be touched and reach for him…give him the shoulder rub.

If you are getting compliments or are receiving words of love and appreciation, which to you may feel are in excess and they go in one ear and out the other, instead of tuning these out, hear those words as your cue to offer up just exactly that…words of love or appreciation.

And if you are receiving lots of gestures of love i.e. gifts or deeds of help, it is time for you to turn it around and give that back in-kind.

This won’t come easily or naturally because you are having to tune into a Love-Channel that is not innately yours, but with conscious awareness and clear intention, you can pivot the same old conflicts, resentment and resignation, into something really satisfying….for when you do this, each to the other, you will be tuned into each other’s Love-Channel.

What is your love language? Your comments are welcome. Carol

The problem with books like “The Secret” which was actually taken from the work of Gerry and Esther Hicks and the channeling of entities collectively calling themselves “Abraham,” is that they do not tell or show you how to actually convert a negative feeling or thought into positive ones.  Abraham tells us to “pivot” in every small segment of intending to choose the positive of what we want, but when I am flooded with negative feelings, no matter how hard I try, I cannot make myself feel positive.  Even when I use a positive mantra, I can’t do it.  But if you stop and ask, “Okay, what is being brought to my attention, could there possibly be a hidden blessing in all this negative, or what am I being forced to literally do, and is there a positive in that, then you have a chance to turn the emotional sock inside out.  Try it.